wanna go halves on a baby?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
