I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize