i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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