Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
