you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
