Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
