In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
