My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
