Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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