I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
