Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
