i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
