I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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