I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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