i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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