Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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