I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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