I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
