dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
