it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
it was like eating out sand paper
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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