Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize