Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
