Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
