I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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