how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
