Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
