overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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