There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
