the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize