i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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