Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
