you would pick up someone in the library
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
