Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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