You're like the curious george of whores
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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