I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Is it penis luge time yet?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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