My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
