There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
