I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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