She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
