Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
