Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize