i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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