It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
