bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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