i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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