I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
