my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
