Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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