you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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