I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
