im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize