My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
