The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
