I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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