i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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