i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
