What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
