So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
