Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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