but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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