happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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