I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
