I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I currently don't understand fingers.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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