i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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