Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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