I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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