yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
third nipple confirmed
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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