If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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