hotel room ftw
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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