I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
