You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
