In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
